Home Depot Hell

My toilet broke last weekend. So all week long, I’ve had to manually flush it. Let’s just say it’s been an annoying week.

When I told my dad about the toilet, he said, “That sounds easy to fix. Let’s meet at the Home Depot near your house and we’ll get a replacement part.” “Oh, thank you so much, Dad,” I replied. What a huge relief; I didn’t want to call a random plumber.

Since it’s spring, and since I was going to Home Depot, and since my dad drives a truck, I decided this would be the perfect opportunity to buy a new BBQ grill. I called my dad and asked if he was cool with helping load and unload a grill and a propane tank. Again, he said it would be no trouble to do this. Dad told me to go to Home Depot half an hour before he arrived, so that I could choose which grill I wanted. He also told me to take my iPhone with me so that he could call and find me once he’d arrived.

I followed my dad’s advice and drove down to Home Depot. God, I hate these stores. I don’t know who was in charge of arranging the merchandise and labeling it, but they did a terrible job. The only good thing Home Depot has going for it, is that it smells like lumber. I love this smell.

Do you shop at Home Depot? If so, you know all about the super-high ceilings and long aisles of merchandise. And way up high, at, like, 20 feet in the air, are little (and I mean little) signs that say things like: Paint, Plumbing, Lumber. And that’s the extent of their store navigation signage. They really need one of those maps like you find at malls. Home Depot is practically the size of a small mall, and it would be so helpful to have a map of the store and its merchandise.

My dad was smart to tell me to arrive early at Home Depot. I needed 15 minutes just to find the Grill aisle. After aimlessly roaming the aisles for what felt like an eternity, I decided to hunt for a store employee. I turned the corner, out of the Lighting aisle, and I saw two Home Depot guys. They were wearing their orange apron thingys and they were chatting with one another. I made eye contact with one of them and gave him a “Dude, I’m lost” look. I decided not to walk right up to them and interrupt their conversation. So, instead, I stood about 10 feet away, staring at them like a psycho who really needs a grill. 😉

Both men looked at me, and then they walked in the opposite direction of where I was standing. They completely ignored me. This was super annoying. I mean, I was standing there waiting for their help. Couldn’t they tell?

When the guys walked away from me, I invoked Plan B. I headed to the front of the store, to the check-out aisles, and I asked the woman at the register to page someone from “Lawn and Garden” for me. She spoke into her walkie-talkie and paged David. I waited a few minutes. And then a few more minutes. And then the lady said, “Oh, good. Here comes David. He’ll help you.” David walked straight toward us. The lady pointed to me and said, “This woman needs some assistance.” When he was about 3 feet away, two men jumped in front of him and cut in line in front of me. One man needed to know where Drain-O was. The other man had about 25 questions regarding a tile and caulk and remodeling.

Here’s the thing with Home Depot. In order to find what you need, it requires you to be extremely aggressive, or to use massive sex appeal. I hate stores in which I have to be a bitch or a floozy to get some help.

A third man stepped in front of me to ask David a question. Thankfully, David told the man he’d have to wait.

Even though it was a stressful shopping experience, I’m happy to say that my toilet is working again! And this evening, I cooked some delicious burgers on my new grill!


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